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“student Loans And Mental Health: Coping With Financial Stress”
Have you ever wondered what your student loan debt could do to your future or current relationship? It’s not unusual for money to throw a wrench into a couple’s future plans, but how big of a problem is it?
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We wanted to find out, so we asked more than 1,000 borrowers about their experiences with student loan debt and relationships. Here’s what we learned.
One of the biggest obstacles in a serious relationship is trying to get two people on the same page about almost every important topic under the sun. Inevitably, clashes happen.
More than 43 percent of survey respondents said they fight about money with their partners at least often. Given that debt is a huge source of stress among individuals, it’s no surprise that it can cause tension in couples.
On the plus side, being open and honest about student loan debt has helped some couples work together:
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But even working together on student loan debt can take a toll. After all, federal student loan repayment plans can last anywhere from 10 to 30 years. Even if you pay off your debt early, you may be stuck for a long time.
The stress caused by this type of debt can take its toll on mental health. And one casualty of this loss may be your libido. About a third of respondents reported experiencing a decrease in sexual desire due to student loan debt.
As in my case, many people with student debt fear that their loans could single-handedly destroy their relationships. However, the results of this survey show something completely different.
More than a third of respondents said that when it comes to deciding whether to take someone seriously, how they handle their debt can be a deal breaker. Less than a quarter said having a large amount of debt would be a deal breaker.
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Perhaps even more encouragingly, only 29 percent said the most attractive trait in a potential partner’s financial health is “zero student loan debt.” Compare that to 72 percent who said the ability to budget well was their most attractive financial trait.
All of this points to a desire to see a strong financial foundation—and how having a plan for the future can be more important to potential partners than being debt-free today.
It’s important to note that while student loan debt isn’t necessarily relationship-wrecking, it can cause major life and relationship milestones to be disrupted.
A quarter of respondents have delayed moving in with a partner because of student loans. Another 35 percent put off “talking about marriage.” And 46 percent delayed starting a family.
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What can you do with these findings? Know that while student loan debt can weigh you down, your love life doesn’t have to suffer because of it. Instead, show that you have an action plan to deal with the debt – this way your partner (or future partner) will feel encouraged that the situation is under control.
To begin, banish the emotions that can often come with student loan debt, such as feeling burdened, frustrated, angry, afraid, or ashamed. Know that having debt doesn’t make you a failure—and putting off certain life stages may not be such a bad thing.
Erin Wiley, a licensed professional clinical counselor, explained how you and your partner can find the positive in your situation:
Instead of lamenting that you can’t buy a house or start trying to have a baby yet, celebrate the freedom of not having to mow the lawn or fix the gutters and go out with friends as often as you can. … Enjoy the time you have without obligations like home and children, and embrace the freedom it gives you.”
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If you haven’t told your partner about your debt and the relationship is getting serious, now is the time to put your cards on the table. Financial behaviorist Jacquet Timmons promotes the vulnerability of the first financial consideration:
“The purpose of these types of conversations should not be to avoid fear and embarrassment. This is natural! This is about the territory of insecurity – whether you initiate the conversation or not.
“Even if you feel bad about your debt, you don’t need to defend yourself. I think that’s a mistake that too many people make when it comes to sharing information that doesn’t shine the most positive light on them, or that they’re self-conscious about.”
That said, if you’re still too worried about sharing the truth about your debt, understand the gravity of not doing so if you plan to live together. Shawna Young, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said it’s important for couples to have an open-door policy when it comes to finances:
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“Financial infidelity can lead to mistrust and be just as damaging as physical or emotional infidelity. Therefore, an honest and open policy is of great importance in a relationship, especially in a family relationship.”
Let’s say you’ve had a conversation, or you’ve had it repeatedly, and it’s just not going anywhere. Maybe it’s time to seek help.
One way to get help is to talk to a marriage or couples counselor. Wiley explained why it’s better to do it sooner rather than later:
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“Most therapists agree: couples typically show up for counseling about their marital status 7 years late. If you’re in trouble, don’t wait – get help now.”
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In addition to a marriage counselor, you can also seek out a qualified financial planner to develop a road map for your money. When you have direction and steps to follow, it’s much easier to overcome frustration and see real progress as you work toward your future together.
Finally, know that being together is your best chance for success. Don’t hide your feelings of shame if you have debt, and don’t judge your partner if they have debt. Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin emphasizes the power of working as a unit:
“Couples who are willing to do it can make it through even the toughest financial times. It’s not always easy, but with the right tools and the will to make it work, they can stop debt stress from torpedoing their marriage.
Remember, this is just one of the many obstacles you will have to overcome in your life together. Learning how to do this with money will only strengthen your relationship. Develop a financial plan as a couple, be honest about your feelings and seek help if you need it.
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There may be a time when all this is a distant memory and you can enjoy the real prize: a happy life.
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Student debt written in a sad face on a white sticky note on top of cash with a stack of money and coins (Getty Images)
President Joe Biden’s inauguration also opened up a public debate about student loan debt, particularly about what his administration might do to alleviate it. Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), along with other House and Senate Democrats, have repeatedly called on Biden to forgive $50,000 in individual federal student loan debt through an executive order within his first 100 days in office. But this week, during a CNN-sponsored town hall on Feb. 16, Biden dampened his hopes.
“The American dream is to be successful,
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